Apples and Hijinks and Flowers, Oh My!
by ElisabethMG
Summary: A random but brilliant and crazy story by Laura Wolf and ElisabethMG that will probably make no sense whatsoever and thus will be totally hilarious. Ever so subtle Lily/James and Remus/OC.
1. Hurrah, apples!

_Author's Note: _

_This was written with Laura Wolf a.k.a. Dora (whose profile you can find in my "Favorite Authors") over Gmail Chat. So if the wording, punctuation, or order of dialogue sounds a little off, that's why. Also: the other chapters in this story may or may not continue the plot we began here. It's just a bunch of stuff written with Laura-Dora-Wolf. _

_As for Aeryn, the only OC, go to Laura Wolf's "Two Wolves and a Moon" for more info, (wow, I sound like a telemarketer) but all you need to know for this is that she's a werewolf that eventually ends up with Remus (see the subtle hints?). _

_This takes place in the Marauders' sixth year (I think—somewhere around there). Enjoy!_

It was late and a half moon and a group of teenagers were heading into a thinner part of the Forbidden Forest to goof off.

James pokes Sirius.

"Hey get your hands off me!" says Sirius.

James grins and pokes him again. Harder.

Sirius flails his hands around. "Stop touching my perfect skin!"

Remus sighs and does a face palm. "Why am I here again?"

James continues to poke Sirius.

Lily sighs and nods to Remus. "Totally. Why in the world did I agree to come along??"

Aeryn elbows Remus. "'Cause you just love poke fights!" She starts poking James while pretending to be a ninja.

Lily holds a straight face. Barely. And bursts out laughing.

"NINJA POWERS!!" yells Aeryn as she pokes James and Lily at the same time.

Peter pokes James. James pouts (while still poking Sirius). "Awww, don't be meeeannn."

Sirius, who is trying to get away from James, says, "What the heck is a ninja?"

Lily bites her lip to stop herself laughing (she's a prefect, you know--she tries to have some dignity!) but utterly fails and begins to tickle Aeryn. (While ignoring Sirius's question. Because she doesn't like him. Or something.)

"GOSH LILY STOP!" Aeryn yells, trying to hide behind Remus.

Lily tickles both Aeryn and Remus.

Remus (while trying to get away from Lily) says, "Ninja are Muggle warriors with swords."

James says, "But they don't have magic? How do they survive? How to they EAT?"

"And Lil is a tickle ninja!!" scream Aeryn and Remus at the same time as they are chased by Lily.

Lily says, "MWAHAHAAA!!!"

"Honestly James, that's like asking how Muggles live, its one fat mystery," says Sirius.

Lily (while continuing to tickle) says, "Technically it IS asking how Muggles live, 'cause ninjas are technically really brilliant Muggles."

James sings, "Technically TECHNICALLY **TECHINICALLY**!!"

Peter covers his ears.

"Yes, yes, what ever," mutters Sirius as James pokes him to the beat of his singing.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, THEY HEAR SOMETHING!! (besides James's awful singing, that is)

Remus (panting from Lily's chasing) says, "What's that?"

James GASPS!

"Whats what, the 'orible noise from James's mouth?" says Aeryn

Lily yells, "NOO!!!! THEY'RE COMING TO EAT ME!"

Peter faints.

Sirius says, "No, they want ME, duh!"

Lily says, "NOT THE.... NOT THE.... NOT THE… **BUTTERFLIES**!!" before falling to the ground.

James screams.

"Not my Remie-cakes!" yelps Aeryn as she jumps into Remus's arms, causing him to lose balance for a second.

Lily sobs. James tries to dig a hole.

"What... the... Merlins?" says Remus.

Peter is unconscious.

Sirius jumps into a tree.

James yells, "MERLIN'S PANTS!" (and then he goes back into his nonexistent hole)

The butterflies descend over the group....

"Aeryn…can't breathe…" mumbles Remus as he tries to carry Aeryn.

A butterfly lands on Lily's head. She screams. Very. Loudly.

"AHHHHH BUTTERFLIES!" screams Sirius.

The butterfly flies away!

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN a big hairy thing comes out of the trees!

"Oh what now," mumbles Remus.

IT'S HAGRID!

Lily says, "Oh no! It's after hours! We'll get detention!"

"Thank Merlin it's only him…right?" says Sirius from the tree.

James yells, "YAY! He scared away the butterflies!"

"Detention-smention," says Aeryn.

Lily pouts. She frowns. She glares. She looks utterly ridiculous.

"I'm with Lily, Aeryn, this isn't good. And will you get off?" says Remus.

"Righto!" says Aeryn.

Hagrid says, "Now wha' have we 'ear?"

"An ear..?" says Aeryn.

Hagrid says, "Ennervate!" (on Peter, he wakes up)

Lily giggles, catches herself, and goes back to pouting.

Remus hides behind Aeryn.

Peter says, "Whaa? Where's the cannon?"

Sirius swings down from tree, yelling "HERE!" as he lands on Peter.

Hagrid says, "STUDENTS? Wha' is students doin' ou' of bed?"

Peter shrieks! "NOOOO!!!! NOT AGAIN!"

"Breathin'?" says Aeryn, stating the obvious.

Everyone stares at Sirius on top of Peter. (awkward silence)

Sirius says, "Umm...."

Peter begins to cry.

"HEY LOOK A WATERMELON!" yells Remus, getting everyone to look were he points.

James yells, "DOGPILE!" and jumps on top of Sirius, squishing Peter. But no one notices because they're looking for the watermelon.

"Remus I can't see it were is it?" says Aeryn.

Hagrid yells, "OHEHMGEE A WATERMELON!" And he runs off into the trees.

"Success is sweet," says Remus, as he sits down on a root.

Lily shudders, then jumps. "We have to get back to the castle!"

James frowns.

Aeryn pouts and sits on Remus's lap. "I still don't see it."

James says, "Bad Lilykins!"

Sirius pouts, squished. "Do we have to?"

James yells, "NO! Come on peoples, we have a DOGPILE!"

Peter groans. No one notices.

"YAY!" yells Aeryn, who sits on James.

James makes a noise like a very happy deflated balloon.

Remus grudgingly follows and offers to go under Aeryn.

"Thanks, I don't want to be sat on by a giant slab of meat," says Aeryn, and the two switch.

Lily crosses her arms. And pouts. She says, "I'll only do it if I get to be on top. Or near the top." She looks thoughtful. "Or somewhere far from the bottom. Or not at the bottom."

Remus looks unhappy, and squished.

"C'mon Lils!" yells Aeryn, who is currently on top.

And Lily jumps on (with a great flying leap) squishing both Aeryn and Remus under her, while yelling, "WHEEE!!"

Peter mumbles.

"Owww, maybe we should think about morning jogs, Lils," mutters Aeryn.

Sirius pretends to die.

Lily does puppy dog eyes. "But that would require getting up in the morning! And moving! And exercise!"

Remus says, "Aeryn stop flailing your leg, you're kicking my butt."

Lily continues. "And I probably wouldn't be able to eat half a carton of ice cream a day!"

James and Sirius and Peter are sufficiently squished.

"Yes but it would, oof, be good for your health and crap," grunts Sirius.

"Health Smealth. Ice cream is better," says Lily.

Aeryn sighs. "You win," then continues to kick Remus's butt.

Lily sighs. Well if it's really that bad, we should un-dogpile. And she gets off.

James stands up (on top of Sirius's foot) knocking Remus and Aeyrn off.

"Get back on missy or I'll--" starts Sirus.

James interrupts. "NOW WE REVERSE THE DOGPILE!!! Lily goes on the bottom, Peter on top!"

Sirus cheers, Aeryn groans.

Peter has a mini dance party.

Lily pouts. "I'm not going on the bottom."

James puts his hands on his hips (and looks very silly), "Well you have to!"

"NO I DON'T!" says Lily.

"Yes!" says James.

"NO!" says Lily.

"Yes, you do!" says Sirius.

"Yes," says James.

"No," says Lily.

"Yes," says Aeryn.

"Yes," says James.

"NO," says Lily.

"I'm not agreeing to anything," says Remus.

"Yes!" says James.

"NO INFINITY," says Lily.

James says, "Shoot! Well, then Lily will have to switch with me," and he looks very sad.

James lies down on the ground.

Sirius shakes his head. "Wow Lil, have you sunk that far? Poor Jamie."

Peter cracks up.

Lily grins. "Aeryn's next!"

Aeryn whines. "I don't want Remus on me."

Lily says, "TOO BAD!!"

James says, "NO MORE SWITCHING!"

Aeryn says, "Fine poophead!"

Aeryn goes on James.

Lily says, "REMUS NEXT!"

Sirius says, "Ahh, this'll be nice!"

"Okey dokey," says Remus, before laying on Aeryn. "Hey there," he says, smiling.

Lily taps her fingertips together and does an evil laugh.

Aeryn grunts, making Sirius laugh.

Lily sighs. "My turn now?"

"Mahahhaa," mutters Aeryn.

"Harrumph," says Lily, and she gets on top of Remus. "Awwkkkwaarrrdd," she whispers.

Sirius grins. "Now Lily, be careful with Remus. Aeryn'll have your head if he's hurt!"

Lily looks thoughtful. And pokes Remus.

"Ohhh Jamie! You'll be so jealous!" says Sirus as he gets on Lily.

James (whose lungs are squished) says, "MMMGMMGMMMHHGMMM!"

Lily pouts.

"Ten sickles and she's yours!" says Sirius.

"MGMMGMMMMHMMGMMGMM!" says James.

"Do you want Lilykins or not, buddy?" says Sirius.

"MMMMGMMMMGHMMGMMGHGHGMM!!!" says James.

"My ears!" moans Remus.

"Pay the money!" yells Aeryn impatiently.

Peter looks rather confused, but sits on top of Sirius.

Sirius chuckles. "C'mon, Pete!"

Peter says, "If I pay ten sickles, then do I get Lily?"

Lily vigorously shakes her head no.

Sirius laughs. "Only dear Jamsie. If he can escape, that is."

Lily says, "I can only be bought with ice cream!"

Peter says, "I don't think you need any more ice cream, Lily.

"Well, that's stupid," mutter Sirius (who likes money).

James says, "mmgmmmgmhgmgmgmmm."

"Shut up James!" yells Aeryn as she flails her legs to kick him.

James mmghmm's a little more, before ROARING and standing up, making everyone else fall off of him into even more of a crumpled heap! "I'M HUNGRY!" says James. He's hungry.

Aeryn falls on Remus. "Hey there!" she says, making him blush.

And then James dives into the heap to save people. Specifically, Lily.

"Ow, James! That was my nose!" yells Sirius from within the pile.

Peter (who is now on the bottom) mumbles something incoherently.

James says, "Whoops! Sorry Padfoot!"

"Aeryn…leg is being crushed…" mumbles Remus, who is sitting on his leg.

Lily yells, "Argh! Aeryn, your hair is—mmph—in my mouf!"

"Prongs, you're going down after we get out of this mess!" yells Sirius.

"Sorry Lils," says Aeryn, as she moves her hair onto Remus.

James grabs Lily's hand and resurfaces, triumphantly yelling and beginning the long run back to the castle (he's hungry).

Peter says, "Nooo! Don't leave without us, James and Lily!"

Lily says, "ARGH! Stop pulling me, James!"

"NEVER!" says James.

"Piggy back ride!" yells Aeryn as she jumps on Remus's back.

Remus and Aeryn begin to race Lily and James. "Can't beat the wolfies!" says Aeryn.

Lily looks back at the others (who are steadily gaining) and jumps onto James's back. "PIGGYBACK RIDE RACE!" she yells.

Peter looks at Sirius. "Piggyback ride?"

Sirius awkwardly stares at Peter. "Uhhh..." he says, before using some rude words and letting Peter on his back.

Peter yells, "RUN LIKE THE WIND, BULLSEYE!"

"ARRG BOYS RULE," yells Sirius somewhat lamely.

James and Lily aren't very far from the castle! But the Wolf Team is right behind them!

James grins. "Go out with me, Lily?"

Lily kicks him. Hard.

James grunts. "OUCH!"

"Oooo, Lily's whipping her horse," says Remus, with a naughty glint in his eye.

Aeryn giggles, almost falling off.

Lily screams, "HURRY UP!"

James screams back, "I THOUGHT I WAS HURRYING!"

Sirius and Peter are way behind, but slowly making their way there.

A few minutes later, the two coed teams arrive at the castle! It's a tie, due to Lily and James's head start, and the wolves' inhuman speed.

James yells, "TO THE KITCHENS!"

"Hurrah, apples!" yells Aeryn, as she gets off Remus and swings his hand (which she is holding like a little kid).


	2. Dino pies

_This is a continuation of the first chapter, but it's about half as long (as the previous chapter, that is)._

_Oh, disclaimer! I'm not British (although I wish I were) so I'm not J., which means that the characters from Harry Potter aren't mine. The plot is mine and Laura Wolf's.  
_

"Aeryn, not so fast," groans Remus as he is dragged to the kitchens.

"ROAR!" screams James as he drags Lily along.

Peter and Sirius have un-piggybacked and are now running for the castle.

"I can smell them!" Aeryn sings. "Join us, Lily and James, to paradise, to APPLES!"

"TO PIE!" says James, "AND DINOSAURS!"

Lily shrieks, "NOT THE DINO PIES!"

Remus stops being dragged and catches up with Aeryn. "I like pie," he murmurs.

Peter gasps and continues running, now even faster that he heard someone say "pie".

"Merlin, I've never seen you run like this!" exclaims Sirius, who was jogging alongside Peter.

"Tickle tickle tickle!" sings Aeryn, who is giddy as she tickles the pear.

Peter collapses, moaning. "…pppppiiiiieeeeee…"

"I'M A TICKLE NINJA!" screams Lily, who tickles the pear even more.

Sirius sighs. "I'm always the hero, huh?" then he picks up Peter like a sack of flour (a terribly heavy one) and runs for pie.

James grins and runs into the kitchens, looking for apple pie for himself and icky pie for Peter (because Peter likes any pie).

"Shut up flour, you're not even running," mutters Sirius to Peter.

"Is there flour in pie?" Peter mumbles. "I like pie."

"APPLE PIE!" screams Remus in a girly voice as he and Aeryn scare some house elves and dash to where James is getting it.

James is gobbling pie.

Sirius is too tired to reply.

"PIE!" says Peter, who dashes to the counter and starts eating blubberberry pie.

Lily wrinkles her nose. "Ew, Peter. Now wonder you're so, uhhh, horizontally challenged."

Remus and Aeryn stay true to the "hungry as wolves" expression as they practically inhale pie while ignoring Peter.

"HOUSE ELF! NEED MORE APPLE PIE!" says James to a house elf.

The house elf starts making pie.

"FASTER!" yell Remus, Aeryn, and Sirius.

Lily is eating an apple.

"NOOOO! LILY, THAT'S THE LAST ONE!" yells Aeryn, who doesn't see the freshly made apple pies. Then she tackles Lily.

Lily screams, but holds onto the apple!

A clever house elf intervenes! "Miss Lily! Give Miss Aeryn the apple and we'll give you chocolate!"

Sirius chokes on pie, laughing.

Lily screams, "CHOCOLATE!" and lets go of the apple. The house elf hands her a huge bowl of chocolate frosting.

James cracks up and eats some of Lily's frosting.

Lily says, "NO! MY CHOCOLATE! Bad James!" and pulls the bowl away from him.

Aeryn goes off to her evil corner, cackles, eats pie, and scary music plays.

Remus says to a house elf, "Cut the music, it's bugging me," before sitting down next to Aeryn.

"Oh, nobody mentioned a show," says Sirius as he sits next to the wolves with popcorn pie.

Peter continues to eat icky pie.

James lunges for the frosting bowl!

Aeryn, Sirius, and Remus cheer him on!

Lily moves the bowl away at the last second, but somehow the two of them still end up in a sticky mess of frosting and human.

Lily feels the frosting in her hair, groans, slaps James, saying "It's all your fault!" and starts giggling madly.

Sirius walks over with a pie shaped camera (where does he get this stuff?) and yells, "KISS CAM!"

"ROAR!" says Lily and attacks Sirius.

James tries eating the pie camera, but it's made of metal, so he fails.

Remus and Aeryn crack up while clutching their sides.

Lily jumps up and down on top of Sirius (who fell down) while James cheers (for whom, nobody is sure).

"OW OW OW OW OW!" yells Sirius every time Lily's foot lands on his tummy.

"MWAHAHAAA!" yells Lily, who stops jumping and just sits on top of Sirius.

Aeryn and Remus are howling with laughter (literally).

"I surrender," mumbles Sirius, who then surprises everybody by grabbing Lily and pushing her onto James.

Peter flings little pieces of icky pie at everybody else.

Lily shrieks!

James says, "WOAH!"

And then they both fall over into yet another sticky mess.

Aeryn and Remus are too busy staring at Lily and James to notice the icky pie on their faces.

"ARGH! SIRIUS, I WILL MURDER YOU! VIOLENTLY! IN YOUR SLEEP!" yells Lily.

James has totally cracked up and is utterly helpless, as he is laughing so hard he can't breathe.

Sirius hides behind a giant pie (WHERE DOES HE GET THESE THINGS??!!)

Peter says, "Hey Sirius! Where do you get these things?"

"JAMES!" says Lily, "HELP ME MURDER YOUR BEST FRIEND!"

James nods, "Okie dokie Lilykins!"

"What things?" says Sirius, as he emerges from behind the giant pie wearing a full suit of pie armor. He then pulls out two pie swords (one for him and one for James).

Peter steals some of Sirius's pie armor and eats it. He keeps stealing more and more until Sirius is left with only a pie helmet.

Sirius doesn't notice, but he tosses a sword to James and yells, "I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL FOR PIE-TA!"

James yells, "FOR PONY!"

Sirius responds, "EN GARDE!"

And the two are fencing with pie swords and basically no armor.

"HIYA! Take that you vile thing!" says James.

Lily giggles.

"Pshh, idiots," mutters Aeryn.

Remus pats her head and then adds, "Like you could do any better."

"REMUS! Protect my back!" yells James, who tosses Remus a pie sword and starts running away from Sirius, who is winning.

Lily chuckles.

Peter eats Sirius's giant pie.

Remus catches the sword easily and does some cool moves.

Sirius is still beating James!

"Hawt," mutters Aeryn.

And then, James grins!

"Not you," says Aeryn.

"I know," says James, as he turns to face Sirius again. "That's not why I'm grinning!"

"Why are you grinning, James?" asks Lily.

"Because I know something that you do not know," says James, "I am not left handed!" and then he switches his sword to his other hand with a flourish. Now James is beating Sirius!

Remus yells, "FOR AERYN!" as he joins in the fight, even though he's not needed.

Lily cackles evilly.

Peter eats more of Sirius's strange pie stuff.

"MWAHAHAA!" says James as he corners Sirius.

Lily is laughing so hard she's crying.

"NOOOOO! UNFAIR!" screams Sirius, who is sweating.

_Next time on Maurauders Central: the results of the fight and storytime!_


End file.
